.one too many.

…a place for waste…

kiss bang kiss bang.

with 11 comments

dear california,

once again i write to you from a dark place.  as usual i have a glass of dark spirits in my hand and a dark cloud over my head.  the bar is dark, the sky is dark and the future is dark.  and as usual i write you this letter from a place that is not You.  for what feels like the 100th time in my 30 years, i have run from You.  this time, it was a monday.  it was early in the evening.  the sun was low.  i walked out of You and i walked into somewhere else.  and as usual, i left behind a mess of destructive sticky residue and old chewing gum (i’ll miss you too watermelon trident!!).  and just like every other time You were my home,  friendships perished, responsibilities scorned, productivity ebbed and love suffered.  for some reason, the holy trifecta of moneypowerrespect (aka good health and balance) always seems to elude me within your borders.  for some reason, the unholy trifecta of blackholeblack (aka black) always seems to find me within your angles.  curious, cause everyone else seems to love you.  for me, i thinks it’s just more rubiks than that.  anyways, the word i am looking for is rock bottom.  it is always been the nature of our relationship.  believe it.  go ask my mother.  you are my archnemesis(aka i will be crying bonanza at your funeral).  on paper, we are just not meant to be.  you are all sunshine and health-consciousness.  i am a connoisseur of overcast skies and pizza-in-bed days.  you are the beach.  i am a fireplace.  you are a social butterfly.  i, on the other hand, am a misanthrope (although i do like invitations).  you are dolphin art and i am a cannibal.  let’s face it.  it wasn’t meant to be.  we were forced together via the long tumultuous ugly decision-making processes of my parents.  like i said, go ask my mother.  Nina will tell you.  from the very moment i arrived, so did vomit.  on the first day of our relationship, i puked all over your so-called disneyland.  the second time we met, i broke my arm under the Santa Cruz pier (dont ask).  the third time, and this stretch lasted 4.5 regrettable years, was hell-a-sish(sp?).  (i have seen my dad cry once.  i was thirteen.  it was august.  boston’s logan international airport.  at the gate, with a cigarette in his hand (glory days!!), he says,”goodbye son.  see you for christmas.  you can come back anytime you want.”  i cried the whole way to san diego.)  and then, the time after that, i murdered the first love of my life inside Your uncomfortable embrace.  and the time after that, i managed to mindfuck someone else’s love of their life inside Your uncomfortable embrace.  and this last time, well… i’m doing my damnedest bestest to suppress that black hole.  and so, in form with a cycle i am not proud of, i run.  and really.  i’m not proud.  no one likes rotations that go happy sad happy sad sad hap sad runaway!!  but alas, it is my circle and i embrace it.  i’m half broke and half-broken but it is meant to be so.  and this glass of dark liquids is half empty because i drank most of it already.  and i run cause my feet are strong and i can purge almost anything with sweat.  more than anything else, i leave with the knowledge that our terrorball is far from finished.  i will be back, california.  just know that.  in the deepest regions of my canepari, i love you.  and it is unconditional forever.  believe it.  go ask my mother.  Nina will tell you.  You and I are as unresolved as ever and lord knows, i am a fan of resolution.  plus, i think beating a dead horse can be fun.  so don’t You dare write us off cause that would be suicide.  especially as i am a firestarter and You, last i checked, are flammable.  on that note, threats and promises aside, i’ll see You when i see You.

done da da.


thanks for nothing.




Written by canepari

November 26, 2009 at 8:24 am

11 Responses

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  1. god you are SO fucking emo.


    November 28, 2009 at 1:16 am

  2. ps… wHAT did you do with that SHIRT!!!
    if nina saved it, it’s mine.


    November 28, 2009 at 1:17 am

  3. you don’t even know me. and nina saves nothing. go to hell.


    November 28, 2009 at 5:59 am

  4. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… i’m all you got.


    November 28, 2009 at 6:14 am

  5. i dont like you.


    November 28, 2009 at 9:40 am

  6. please post some pics, its all your good for


    November 28, 2009 at 6:57 pm

  7. yes!! let’s do that. let’s destroy eachother. everyone get your sledgehammers and your handgrenades and get in the ready position. firestarters and sharptongues on this side! positiviteoptimism and empathy over there. on the count of 3…


    November 28, 2009 at 7:27 pm

  8. YES!!! this is what i’m TALKING ABOUT!!! i’m having the bEst time…


    November 29, 2009 at 2:57 am

  9. Lisa’s a lover.
    And willing to take the punch for it.


    November 29, 2009 at 1:42 pm

  10. p.s.: this impostor above is not the real joe. i don’t know who he is, but he is goddamn illegitimate. you listening, faux joe? canepari’s world only has room for one totally average person bearing a totally average name. never would the real joe let such un-clever (and grammatically retarded) insults leave his keyboard. plus, i send canepari burning loveletters and black hatemail in private.


    December 1, 2009 at 2:11 am

  11. post script dingle. but thanks for standing up for yourself.


    December 1, 2009 at 4:13 am

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